Sheeeeee's BACK!
[50 cartwheels and a back handspring, sticking a perfect 10 on the landing]
...
[pauses for crickets]
...
[looks down, realizes crickets have been crushed underfoot]
Yeah, haven't posted in a few days. Why?! Because I was momentarily caught in a gaping hole of insurmountable depression and existential apathy. HOOOOOORAYYYYYY!
Am I making you uncomfortable yet?
I'd better not be the only one shaking my groove thang over here. There is so much reason to celebrate! Why? Try the fact that I surmounted the SHIT out of that depression within 24 hours, so you should be happy for me, because the world revolves around me and my emotions and my improper grammar. You should also be grateful that this post isn't the cynical, pessimistic, self-pitying droll that it almost was. An excerpt of an unposted draft from a couple days ago, if you would:
This emotion decided to cling to a sudden overwhelming feeling of apathy and emptiness that was most likely brought on by the intense heat of the sun. The inside of my apartment is baking. The outside of my apartment is baking. I sweat without moving. My fan is more of a noisemaker than a source of viable moving air.
Last night I was extremely over-heated and could not fall asleep as a result. Nothing could cool me off and it was driving me up a wall. Waterboarding would have been a welcome alternative-- in fact, it would have been welcome if it could have reduced my internal body heat in any way.
Yikes. Someone get this gal a therapy dog, am I right?
...And I would have.
Basically, as alluded to by my non-post up there, it was a combination of factors that got me majorly bummed.
Factors That got me Majorly Bummed
1. Heat
2. Inability to escape said heat
3. Lack of sleep from the previous night because of said heat
4. Money anxiety
5. Job anxiety
6. The recent realization that teaching makes me absolutely miserable
And so on and so forth. So here's how that day went: I woke up with a few hours of sleep under my belt, just as hot as when I had attempted to go to bed, and sat in my room all day feeling sorry for myself and my lack of financial independence. In case my innermost fears and desires haven't been leaking out enough through these whimsical little blog posts, I don't like that I'm not making much money and I'm extremely insecure about the fact that I am relying on family to help me out. There it is, all out on the table. Anyhow, I tried to force the day into being a productive one by scouring the internet for potential jobs, of which I found few-to-none. Trying to hunt for a job when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel for a single scrap of motivation is just... futile. It feels like taking on a Vegas-style 5-star buffet after coming straight from a Hometown Buffet. There's very little you can actually accomplish, besides hating yourself more for your past mistakes.
I was in a major funk. It was bad. Until three things happened within close proximity of one another.
3 Things That Happened within Close Proximity of One Another
1. A wonderful human being suggested I go on an adventure
2. Another wonderful human being agreed to go on an adventure
3. I read both Hyperbole and a Half adventures in depression (yeah, I reached THAT point)
These three things combined in such a way that they offset the swirling torrent of self-deprecating apathy that had sat its big flabby ass on my chest all day. I read Allison's insights about being depressed and gleaned something that was useful at the time: there's not a specific way to overcome some shitty feelings, they just sort of happen and then for no reason they just go away. This took some of the pressure off my urge to "fix" my feelings, which in turn fixed my feelings. Ain't that great?
From there, I stepped out of my house for the first time that day and drove to Venice Beach, because a dude I know was having some kinda BBQ or something and I figured I might as well give it a shot. Well. I didn't find the party. BUT I found my friend who I was meeting at the party, so we bailed and got awesome Thai food in Venice and then watched Scott Pilgrim back at my place. I was out of it the whole time because I was so sleep deprived and mushy-brained from the day's miserablosity. He was out of it because he'd been up since 5am to be in a film (yeah, my friends are famous, I also play pool with Charleton Heston on the regs). Bottom line: we were both out of it. But the simple company of someone who wasn't really expecting anything of me other than existing in the same room turned out to be exactly what I needed. That night I went to bed, not too warm, and woke up refreshed the next day.
I tell you, it was like something outta Groundhog Day. I took to the job boards again but found it a lot easier to do when I didn't hate myself the whole time.
"Any additional strengths or qualifications that would make you a good fit for this positions?"
Now, if this were truly a solid, rounded-out story about the power of positivity and the rewards of persistence, I would have some news about a new job-- an interview-- something. But no, I'm still on the hunt. I just feel like I can do it again.
[50 cartwheels and a back handspring, sticking a perfect 10 on the landing]
...
[pauses for crickets]
...
[looks down, realizes crickets have been crushed underfoot]
Yeah, haven't posted in a few days. Why?! Because I was momentarily caught in a gaping hole of insurmountable depression and existential apathy. HOOOOOORAYYYYYY!
Am I making you uncomfortable yet?
 |
| How about now? |
This emotion decided to cling to a sudden overwhelming feeling of apathy and emptiness that was most likely brought on by the intense heat of the sun. The inside of my apartment is baking. The outside of my apartment is baking. I sweat without moving. My fan is more of a noisemaker than a source of viable moving air.
Last night I was extremely over-heated and could not fall asleep as a result. Nothing could cool me off and it was driving me up a wall. Waterboarding would have been a welcome alternative-- in fact, it would have been welcome if it could have reduced my internal body heat in any way.
Yikes. Someone get this gal a therapy dog, am I right?
 |
| "Sorry guys, I'm not touching this one. She might bite me." |
Basically, as alluded to by my non-post up there, it was a combination of factors that got me majorly bummed.
Factors That got me Majorly Bummed
1. Heat
2. Inability to escape said heat
3. Lack of sleep from the previous night because of said heat
4. Money anxiety
5. Job anxiety
6. The recent realization that teaching makes me absolutely miserable
And so on and so forth. So here's how that day went: I woke up with a few hours of sleep under my belt, just as hot as when I had attempted to go to bed, and sat in my room all day feeling sorry for myself and my lack of financial independence. In case my innermost fears and desires haven't been leaking out enough through these whimsical little blog posts, I don't like that I'm not making much money and I'm extremely insecure about the fact that I am relying on family to help me out. There it is, all out on the table. Anyhow, I tried to force the day into being a productive one by scouring the internet for potential jobs, of which I found few-to-none. Trying to hunt for a job when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel for a single scrap of motivation is just... futile. It feels like taking on a Vegas-style 5-star buffet after coming straight from a Hometown Buffet. There's very little you can actually accomplish, besides hating yourself more for your past mistakes.
I was in a major funk. It was bad. Until three things happened within close proximity of one another.
3 Things That Happened within Close Proximity of One Another
1. A wonderful human being suggested I go on an adventure
2. Another wonderful human being agreed to go on an adventure
3. I read both Hyperbole and a Half adventures in depression (yeah, I reached THAT point)
These three things combined in such a way that they offset the swirling torrent of self-deprecating apathy that had sat its big flabby ass on my chest all day. I read Allison's insights about being depressed and gleaned something that was useful at the time: there's not a specific way to overcome some shitty feelings, they just sort of happen and then for no reason they just go away. This took some of the pressure off my urge to "fix" my feelings, which in turn fixed my feelings. Ain't that great?
From there, I stepped out of my house for the first time that day and drove to Venice Beach, because a dude I know was having some kinda BBQ or something and I figured I might as well give it a shot. Well. I didn't find the party. BUT I found my friend who I was meeting at the party, so we bailed and got awesome Thai food in Venice and then watched Scott Pilgrim back at my place. I was out of it the whole time because I was so sleep deprived and mushy-brained from the day's miserablosity. He was out of it because he'd been up since 5am to be in a film (yeah, my friends are famous, I also play pool with Charleton Heston on the regs). Bottom line: we were both out of it. But the simple company of someone who wasn't really expecting anything of me other than existing in the same room turned out to be exactly what I needed. That night I went to bed, not too warm, and woke up refreshed the next day.
I tell you, it was like something outta Groundhog Day. I took to the job boards again but found it a lot easier to do when I didn't hate myself the whole time.
"Any additional strengths or qualifications that would make you a good fit for this positions?"
Now, if this were truly a solid, rounded-out story about the power of positivity and the rewards of persistence, I would have some news about a new job-- an interview-- something. But no, I'm still on the hunt. I just feel like I can do it again.
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