Fear and Filming in Los Ghettos

About two nights ago I began typing a blog from my phone, but a couple paragraphs in my phone's word processor cut out and didn't save what I had written.

Currently: I am no longer typing on a phone, but on my laptop as I usually do. Now, if I was a good writer, I would accept that most writing should be scrapped, abandoned or changed if it is no longer relevant or useful, and I would move on since almost everything I had written touched on the fact that I was typing on a phone. But... I liked what I had written before. So instead of murdering my darlings, I'm just going to murder the joke by recreating what my blog post would have been if I had typed the whole thing out from my phone two days ago.

A-one and a-two and a-three:

Welcome to the future, where blogs may be typed on digital word processors installed on mobile telephonic devices. The guy who invented PayPal is also developing the technology that will allow people to travel at 700 mph via gigantic tubes. You all laughed, but Tenacious D called it... now you'll think twice about negating the possibility of cock push-ups.

Why am I typing paragraphs out on my phone?

Answer 1: Because it demonstrates proper mechanical structure.
Answer 2: Because, as a writer, I am overcome by the unshakeable necessity to produce into the world the literature that flows through my veins such as juvenile salmon swim through the rivers of nature's untamed, visceral beauty, and in doing so I may attempt to make knowable the chimerical sense and existential purpose of my being and potentially-- at least in some small way-- do the same for the other inhabitants of Earth so that we may discover the commonality of the human condition through our shared joys, hardships, and individual experiences.
Answer 3: Because I didn't bring my laptop.

I am currently in scenic Orange, CA at the luxurious Crazy 8 Motel, desirably located just minutes from Smart n' Final and a 24-hour Del Taco. I am here doing Production Design for my friend's graduate thesis film at Chapman University (though my feminist lobby group is attempting to have it changed to 'Chapperson University').

For those of you who don't know what the hell Production Design is, it deals with the artistic direction of a film. Depending on the size of the production itself, you can take on a variety of roles within PD... but since the entire department consisted primarily of me and one other girl, we took on virtually all of them. Our task is to acquire and manage all props that will be used in the movie, as well as "set dress" each scene, which means setting up the "look." This pertains to arranging props in a scene, making sure furniture and colors and pretty much everything you see in a shot goes where it should go and looks how it should look. Director needs a vase on the counter? Find a vase that will look good on the counter. Director needs the stuffed animal to look worn down? Yank the eye off that plushie unicorn and roll it in the dirt. Director needs the room to be messy? Steal garbage from the craft table and arrange it one piece at a time.

If this doesn't strike you as revolutionary genius then you obviously don't "get" art.

 Production Design generally requires you to be clever, resourceful, and shameless.

PD Moment Superlatives

Most Clever

Concocting fake whiskey out of eyeballed mixtures of sweet tea and cola.

Personally, I would have taken the Method Acting route.

Most Resourceful

Creating a peep hole on the fly with an artist's gum eraser, the ring from a Lord of the Rings trivial pursuit game set, and the ball from a Mouse Trap game (other set dressing props).

One peep hole to rule them all.

Most Shameless

• Rinsing out and drying melted Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrappers for properly-colored prop garbage
• Stealing my flatmate's smelly, old to-go container from the kitchen trash to imitate an old Chinese take-out meal
• Fluffing legitimately-used (and legitimately NASTAY) towels and bedding that the Crazy 8 Motel was kind enough to provide as props
• Duct taping a shelled-out "Exit" sign back together after it fell off the wall and broke
• Rubbing the inside of a Frito's bag against the inside of a pizza box to make the box look used
• And several other shameable mentions

We are also in charge of constructing sets on a soundstage for scenes that are not being shot on location... aka we build partial rooms and make them look legit.

Breaking the fourth wall? Why build one to begin with?

We also man painting everything and creating literal art for the movie. This particular film dealt a lot with "art" in the classic sense, so there were paintings and things everywhere to be made and/or recreated. There's a series of three nightmares in this film and each one called for a backdrop reminiscent of one artistic style: Van Gogh, Pollock, and German Expressionism. I wound up taking charge of the German Expressionism one, which turned out to be the largest with three massive panels that we had to transport to the Crazy 8 Motel. Here it be:

Däs nightmare, ya?

The other girl who was head honcho of PD (Tatiana Kuilanoff-- I'm dropping her name because I can't give you her business card) also made a fantastic mural needed in one of our soundstage sets. Honestly, everything this girl touches turns to art. It's ridiculous. Cheggitdout:

Art-sayyyy

Everyone on set has been great to work with, and the experience has been fun so far. There's never a dull moment at the Crazy 8, where at least 3 shots have been interrupted by people getting arrested in the parking lot, at least 3 prostitutes have attempted to solicit crew members, and at least 3 angled mirrors have been mounted above and around the bed in the room we're using. The rooms even come with complimentary bed bugs!

(Fortunately they actually don't, but hotel management was sure to compensate us with free yellowish stains in all corners of the bathroom instead.)

*     *     *

So that's more or less what I would have been typing on my phone at 2:30am on Saturday evening (well, Sunday morning). Unfortunately, Answer 4 to why I was typing those paragraphs on my phone is that we had a scheduling hiccup that evening and wrapped 3 hours late... though when leaving set at 5:30am instead of 2:30am, it was less a hiccup so much as a bout of projectile diarrhea. It meant the next day's call time was bumped to 5:30pm instead of 2:30pm (film lawz: you have to allot a period of at least 12 hours between production days), which meant that day's shoot would go until 5:30am as well (moar film lawz: production days are not allowed to exceed 12 hours... except when they do). We ended at 5:30am the next day, but then had to spend a good 2.5 hours striking (film sin0nymz: dismantling) the soundstage set that had taken forever to build just a few days prior.

Between yesterday and this morning I went for about 21 hours straight without any sleep. I'ma tell it to you straight: I don't do all-nighters. I get 7-8 hours or else I roam around aimlessly like I woke up in the middle of a lobotomy. On set I tried to force my body awake with coffee and M&Ms, but after a certain point even caffeine and sugar stop working, so then you're just tired in addition to feeling fat and having to pee every 15 minutes. But hey, we made it through. Or, well, I did. I don't know whether I can say the same about the other crew members who are signed on for another two days of shooting that I am not involved with. They are shooting as we speak.

"We're not speaking..."

"Then why are there quotation marks around everything we're saying?"

"I don't know, are we 'saying' them at all if our words are merely being typed out?"

"Who are 'we', exactly?"

"We're Tigra and Bunny, don't you remember?"

"Oh yeah. But will anyone even know who we are?"

"Odds are they won't. Maybe we should give them a video so they get an idea of the reference."

"I say it might be a little too obscure for this generation of readers, but what the heck, Tigra, my therapist says I need to start trusting others more."